I love Halloween as much as my birthday, Christmas morning, my mom's Easter bread, the day after Thanksgiving, Italian olives, and struffoli. So I guess what you're saying is that you're already sick of potential Lindsay Lohan costumes in the jail onesie, and the cast of the Jersey shore.
Creativity goes down the tube with commercial costumes, but after my harrowing (and I don't use harrowing lightly) experience of my dad's creativity, I am A-OK with whatever the masses want.
Halloween to me means: CANDY, gluttony, and more candy after admitting to gluttony.
Things like sugary cereals, candy, and frosting were never in my household growing up. And I don't like using absolutes, but really, NEVER.
|Don't think for a second these count as cool cookies. This is the closest thing to a chocolate chip cookie in my parent's cabinet. Between this option and my dad's generic brand orange soda = no thanks.|
|If this were me, you can picture my eyes in this position the majority of my life on the planet so far.|
Trick or treating worked like this:
- Dream about the best costume ever, for 11 months.
- Tell mom and dad about costume idea. "I want to look exactly like the Statue of Liberty."
- Have mom and dad turn costume into the absolute opposite.
ME: So now I look like a foil alien carrying fake fire.
MOM: Ok dear, whatever you want, but we're not millionaires, we don't buy Halloween costumes.
4. Attend grammer school Halloween parade (now called Harvest parade..don't get me started) and
never come in the top 3 for original costume (through my 9 years at St. Francis - this includes
kindergarten when I was an angry cowgirl).
MEANIE STUDENT: What are you, weren't you that last year?!
|Minus the black pleather vest this was basically my Statue of Liberty Costume. Now picture me holding a torch made out of faded green styrofoam. Exactly --and now you understand why I didn't have a problem writing weekly checks to therapy.|
5. Go home and instead of tearing apart my silver costume, obsess about bags of candy.
6. Beg mom to take my sister and I beyond a one block radius. Wait for your father to come home.
This is his thing, girls.
7. Drool like rottweilers until dad gets home.
8. Dad comes home and decides to dress up. AS A PREGNANT
SCREECH! HALT! BRAKES! SLAM! CURSE WORDS!
LAUGHTER! THERAPY! WHAT?
|ok NO, not my dad. And I googled 'dad dressed up as pregnant lady' surprisingly NOTHING. which just shows how really embarrassing my dad can be. NO ONE ELSE'S DAD DID IT, THANKS A LOT DAD!|
Yes, it's true, in the court of law I am not lying. My father (as a joke to a family friend, a woman, thought it would be funny to dress up as a pregnant lady). I HAVE PROOF, but those pictures will have to wait until I have a book deal because then I can afford to take my father to Red Robin and Jose Tejas for the rest of his life. For now, they are on lockdown, in my childhood home, 2nd floor, guest bedroom, framed on the shelf below the huge mirror hanging on the wall.
And no, my father didn't go out and buy a costume. He used my mom's makeup, a wig (I don't want to know why they owned it), and a maternity dress complete with stuffed pillow for full effect.
Let's go trick or treating, shall we?
HOUSE #1: Oh, what are you girls?
SISTER: I'm a CRAYON (with enthusiasm and I'm rolling my eyes-you see my mother BOUGHT my sister's costume, sewed it all together and it came complete with a matching candy bag. Cute, right?!)
HOUSE #1: Uhmm, what are you sweetie?
ME: Oh, I'm the Statue of Liberty.
HOUSE #1: A crayon and a roll of reynolds foil wrap! How cute! Take a piece of candy each. Oh wait, is that your mom on the sidewalk? Bring her a piece of candy.
ME: Oh, um, ok (my sister and I walk back towards my dad).
DAD: This costume is great. We're getting more candy! Girls, get me something with raisins and chocolate at the next house.
So before you hit the local Halloween store with grandiose ideas of dressing like a sexy cop, or add a few more crunches to your daily gym routine to look like 'The Situation' from The Jersey Shore..go back to the drawing board. Be creative, it'll give you more stories to keep in your back pocket the next time you have that boring cocktail party.
|That's me, the angry cowgirl. I also wore this outfit on a weekly basis until the boots no longer fit.|