Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Your sarcasm is not alone...MINE might be though . . .

I recently attended a friend's bridal shower. Having not been to one in a year, I was looking forward to the standard games: bridal bingo, crossword puzzles focusing on love and cake, and of course, the free food.
"I bet you all can't wait to watch me look surprised as I open gifts I pre-registered for!"
(See? I bet you think I'm being rude...sarcasm doesn't translate to bridal showers.)
Knowing my love of booze, most of you will be shocked to hear that I've cut back significantly as I'm attempting to really hate myself and eat healthier/be a better runner. Yes, the hang-over runs are one of my favorite past times, but running with an extra 10 lbs on my frame is not. 
I love talking about working out, I love reading about working out, I love making playlists
that encourage me to get outside and run. But inevitably this is the face I make the entire time.
WHY? WHY was I not blessed with good genes that give me the body of a supermodel,
yet allow me to eat guacamole by the gallon? 
This side note is important because once I got to the bridal shower I had one glass of red wine. That one glass was enough to rev up my sarcasm of which my table enjoyed but maybe not some of the other girls.
You don't even know me and you get that this is CLEARLY NOT ME after 1 glass of wine. Of course, I WISH, but even a genie in a bottle would topple over at that request.
Me = after 1 glass of wine. Red or white has the same effect. 
Where are those pigs in a blanket at?
1. Bridal crossword puzzle -my friend's sister and I decided to look for other words not related to love/weddings/rings when we started our crossword. We found:
ore (which i kept repeating that those 3 letters made me think of oreos)
As I shouted out our 'finds' there were some faces of confusion and rolling of the eyes.

2. Bridal questionnaire. My friend loves purple. And I appreciate a love of color. So when it came time to answer what the bride's favorite color is...I screamed,"ORANGE!" To which a bridesmaid said,"Why would you say that? It's not orange!" It was as if my sarcasm got 'the hand to the face.'
Bridal/Couple questionnaires are NO joke. Even if there are stickers, hearts, or crayon designs. You take these bridal shower tests as if you just sat down for standardized testing. 
3. Cheating on bridal bingo could be ok if everyone around you is drinking/cheating as much as you are. Think of the game 'Wheel of Fortune'  the common letters people pick for the bonus round are: R S T L N E. This oddly makes me think of restylane which kind of shows you where society's head is at  (c'mon, wrinkles?). Back to bridal bingo. Just like Wheel of Fortune, this is an easy bingo game. You can easily write in:

Place Settings
Dish Towels
Cake Knife (trust me on this, there's an old person that always buys this for the bride)
Bar accessories (wine charms so no one gets drunk off of someone else's glass, who cares, it's WINE!)
Serving Platters

I personally put a happy face in some of my squares as a 'free' bingo X. I also left some boxes blank so I could fill them in at my leisure while gifts were being opened - cheating. Make sure everyone at your bridal shower table is cool with this cheating idea, otherwise you'll get the 'rolling of the eyes' or the 'you can't fill it in' verbal NOT OK and end up feeling like an idiot. 
Not my bingo card. Mine had a lot of cross-outs, happy faces (like the free little heart in the middle of this one) and very messy handwriting which I blame on my 2nd glass of red wine.
It was a shiraz, I couldn't say no.
4. Taking photos. If a good friend asks you to take photos of the afternoon with her digital camera, it's best to DO YOUR BEST. I don't recommend taking pictures of your tongue, your empty glass of wine, and half eaten red velvet cake as I did. To balance out how much trouble I would get into, I did take the typical photos (opening of the gifts, my bridal bingo cheating card, the centerpiece of purple roses on the table, my cute pencil with cupcakes and a pink eraser on it, the bride's shoes, and numerous photos of people chewing, yappin' and drinking). 

5. Face cake, don't request a piece of the bride's face in front of the relatives. They just won't get your humor. First of all, I love my friends to pieces. And I love cake. I'm going to request at my funeral that my family put my face on the biggest sheet cake because any amount of flowers or fancy pants fondant cannot compare to face cakes.

I hope the rest of the aunts, mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-groom/fellow friends, cousins, etc had as much fun as I did. If red velvet cake was the option for the bridal shower, this could mean big things for the bachelorette party and even bigger things for the actual wedding! That is, if I'm still invited. I hope.

I'm hoping this sad puppy face gets me out of any trouble I might be in. But c'mon, cheating
on bridal bingo and screaming out the wrong color can't be THAT bad. Right? Right?

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