Thursday, March 1, 2012

How to not eat free office candy

Work is tough, for anyone, and when there's free candy at your disposal, then when no matter what mood you're in, the free candy is there.

Here are survival tips I try but they're not tested and true. 
I still fail, in epic proportions.

1. Dress up like an executive.
I've gone thru the fat jeans phase (one year I wore a dress every single day, another year I wore carpenter jeans until they fell apart- I didn't say this phase was flattering), the hipster phase (italian girls and multiple peasant tops just make a person look pregnant, also hippy skirts made me look like a troll), and the super dressed up phase (dress as if I'm in a town car from 9am-6pm conducting mobile meetings-also this phase sucks if you're on a budget). There was the brief nose ring artist phase, but my Italian nose rejected the piercing (literally every morning my nose ring crawled out and died on my pillow).

I totally get this is custom for some cultures. However when my mother saw my teeny tiny nose ring, this is what went through her head. Her daughter would never land a job due to the metal from nose to ear.
The point is, in a fancy work suit you won't want to be shoveling free desk candy in your mouth because you'll look crazy. The downside is that you can definitely shovel candy in your mouth after everyone has left for the day. Then you're just a sad case left with a sugar high and really bad belly pain after. And if you're single, your make-out partner will question almond joy breath and chocolate in your teeth. Oh, one more thing, the cleaning crew at your job will definitely catch you red handed. And that moment will be an awkward one.

2. Bring snacks to work.
Yeah, you've read this in every magazine next to the candy section at the checkout counter. Your mom even bought you a cool lunch bag equivalent to a trapper keeper back in the days. No lunch bag is cool, period. It can carry steak from the most expensive restaurant and everyone within 20 miles of your cubicle will call you a dork. Why? I've been given and bought many myself. Oh and that handful of almonds at three o'clock to curb your cravings? Don't forget your palm needs to be the size of a barbie doll head. How's that going to keep you from knawing at your desk after you've been to 4 powerpoint presentations?

"Oh, I can have 6 1/2 almonds every day as a snack and lose weight? Why don't you just tell me to suck bark!"
The handful of almonds never works with me because then I eat the whole thing just to tick off my doctor.

3. Drink water.
I don't know about you, but I nicknamed myself CAMEL waaay back as a newborn baby. I thought it was a talent that I could go days without water. I'm not into soda or juices either so don't try to point the finger that I'm sluggin' clear pepsi in place of agua. I did think living on just diet coke and chicken would get me to lose weight (don't try to understand my brain) I invested in 7-11 big gulp cups and in 2 months had a few stomach ulcers. This most definitely put a splinter in my dating scene...I thought it was a dry spell with men, but really my bloated stomach and bad skin kept those oh so hot suitors FAR away.

Ok so what if I could trick my brain into doing water shots throughout the day? Ridiculous? Yes..but then maybe my writing will be more creative than just slugging back clear fluids from the latest Target water bottle.

3. Buy the candy you don't like
Ew gross I don't like peppermint patties so I will definitely buy 3 bags of them for my office candy bowl. Oh wait, I think I have bad breath and I have a meeting in two minutes. I GUESS I'll just have to eat one to hold me over. What's that? Sugar? I feel a rush? I'm dancing and humming in my chair. OK I'll eat just one more . . .

I bought heart shaped peppermint patties just a few weeks ago. No WAY would I touch these, lame candy. I would rather peanut butter and chocolate. But understand, your arch enemy will find a way to piss you off enough to eat any form of chocolate.