Thursday, March 15, 2012

He smells like dead squirrels

Before I start writing I think it's important you get a better grasp of my brain.

I usually wear headphones when I'm reading or writing to help keep me motivated (?). There's a 40% chance that I end up daydreaming. I think about philly cheesesteaks, why I ate 6 too many cookies for breakfast yesterday, I roll my eyes that my morning run/walk/crawl felt like total crap, and, is this how a 35 year old should act?. That's my brain and then I snap back to reality and have to re-read or re-write my mush into something decent.

Birthday present from my awesome boo. He acknowledged that my cheap wanna-be headphones
were actually causing my ears to bruise because they were too small. So he upgraded me
(which I think he now regrets because I sing much louder).
So while writing something important yesterday my brain started daydreaming about what I am about to write below. Will this be funny? Is this funny or offensive? But it's me, so if I write what I know, then I should be all good, right? So I write....

Have you ever gone to a party or a sports game, or plopped down to a meeting (yes you've done a combination of these social ventures). Someone walks in after...5 minutes later, 10 minutes later, even a half hour...regardless, you are comfortable in your social zone and someone comes by and screws with your comfortableness.

That dude smells like dead squirrel. Wait, did #17 get the ball? 
Crap I just missed that play!

I was at a soccer game the other night, playing the good girlfriend, watching and trying to capture video of my boyfriend playing indoor soccer. I used to go to games more frequently but work and reading for school have been beating my brain relentlessly so not only can I barely make an edible dinner but I have zero energy to sit on a bleacher. 

While I'm trying to pay attention, a few guys come in and sit down, prepping for their soccer game, which will start after this one wraps up. And the smell of dead squirrel takes over. Ok, maybe not dead squirrel. But you get my gist. Did he forget to shower this month? Oh, he found his hoodie in grandma's moth ball scented attic

It's that quick whiff that throws off your concentration. And , inevitably, the smell takes over important decisions
like lowering our taxes, stopping the war, or just trying to watch a soccer game.
It can be much more offensive. My boyfriend's brother and I have a running conversation about 'that guy with the stank in the gym.' We all know one person who turns those dreadful 30 minutes of trying to keep the pudgy belly at bay into a war zone of dodging machines so you don't dry heave. 

I'm not sure of the fuzzy background, but hopefully it's not my office cubicles.
Though, we should give this guy credit for at least applying deodorant.
I used to work out at the unfortunate same time as this crazy lady who would never wash her clothes. Instead her method was to blow dry her sweaty pants and shirts in the locker room. Can you think about that for a second? HOT STANK being blow in your direction. I really did try to imagine the stench being burned brownies or cake. 

It's the reason I feel the need to shower at night and in the morning. I don't want to smell like dead squirrel, for you, of course. I do everything like this just for you. I can't fix the grandma moth ball problem yet, that's a generation thing. 

Now, onto free lunch at work. It's baked cod. Will you sit next to me after I devour?